Marquee Cover

"They said they changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us." - Marge Simpson
"You know who the real crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood producers." - Homer Simpson

Jeffrey Jacob Abrams, popularly styled as J.J. Abrams, is a fantastically rich and successful Hollywood bigshot. After creating and helming profitable television shows, he graduated to movies and has now directed five feature length motion pictures. Most notably, he became the lodestone of classical geekery by directing the two most storied and popular science fiction franchises in existence: Star Trek and Star Wars. That he turned both into dreck is his fault. That those cinematic catastrophes were massive hits is on us, the viewers.

"J.J. Abrams Is Bad at Movies" is a 12,000 word minibook that describes the many reasons that Jeffrey Jacob Abrams is basically Diet Michael Bay when it comes to directing. 

Table of Contents:

1 - Television Nervosa (<- Click this to start reading the book.)
2 - Mission Impossible 3: Salvage Job
3 - Star Trek 11: Reboot
4 - Super 8: The E.T. Remake No One Wanted
5 - Star Trek 12: Hacktacular!
6 - Star Wars 7: George Lucas Sold Low
7 - The Michael Bay of Rehashes

Appendix A - For Fuck's Sake, Let These Copyrights Expire

NOTE: In a world where the word "haters" is all too often used to dismiss legitimate critiques, I think it necessary to include this disclaimer. I have no animus against J.J. Abrams or any of his collaborators. I know basically nothing about him personally, and don't have any serious criticism to offer on his various television work, nor the films he's written or produced. The following is aimed strictly and only at the five feature length motion pictures he has directed, which I really do hate.

Feel free to disagree with my conclusions. If you enjoy any of these movies, please continue to do so; I am not the fun police, nor am I the last word on whether or not any of them are entertaining. Please also understand, however, that being a big fan of Lost or yelling "But it's fun!" aren't rebuttals to the criticisms that follow.

NOTE #2: This assumes no prior knowledge of Star Trek, Star Wars, or anything else. However, since it's primarily about the Star Trek and Star Wars movies that J.J. Abrams directed, it will help if you've seen them.

The entire book is available for free on the linked pages above. However, if you enjoy it, or feel like supporting this site, you can purchase a DRM-free copy for your phone, tablet, Kindle or other device that can read ebooks. 

Buy For Amazon Kindle

$3.00 

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Buy Direct (credit card or PayPal) s an .EPUB File

$2.00

Why is the Amazon version more expensive? Because Lord Bezos takes a 30% cut, so either way I make about two bucks. It's the same book. 

The book is available both for free and for a minimal price on the theory that people are willing and able to pay for words if the price is reasonable and the payment is easy to make. At the same time, restricting the book to only those people would be self defeating and stupid. Many fewer people would read it, and trying to use digital rights management and other convoluted anti-“piracy” measures to police the internet is a fool’s errand. Therefore, the only sensible thing to do is make it easy for people to purchase and easy to get for free.

One final note, I am not the least bit above making revisions should any of you fine geeks out there discover that I’ve made any factual errors. If you (yes, you!) come across something where I’m just flat out wrong, and you can point me to some credible evidence of my wrongness, please tell me. It’s the only way I’ll learn.

 

Dedicated to Gene Roddenberry and George Lucas. It's not your fault.
 
"J.J. Abrams Is Bad at Movies" Version 1.2
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Cover image modified from original under CC BY-SA license from Flickr user vxla.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/vxla/4691889256

All other images are excerpted or combined from copyrighted works under Fair Use.